Article For Parents

Just when you thought you'd have more time to yourself, it takes even more time and energy to raise a teen. Emotional and physical separation from parents is a hallmark of adolsecence and a necessary step in the adolescent transition to adulthood. Still, studies suggest that parent involvement is more important in academic success than socioeconeomic status, racial or ethnic background, or education of parents. So, parents often find themselves in perplexing situations. How do they remain involved in the physical and emotional lives of teenagers who may not want their parents involved?

Redefine how much time to spend with your teen.
Because the involvement required by younger children would smother a teenager, the task facing parents of teenagers is to redefine involvement. What is appropriate given the developmental needs of their teen? What types of behaviors and attitudes would ensure continued involvement with a teenager and yet be tolerated and even welcomed by them?

To foster emotional growth and development, parents must transition from dispenser of wisdom and absolute authority to that of consultant. Playing a secondary role such as chauffeur, purveyor of funds, and final authority or consultants on curfew, destinations, and companions may be a blow to the ego of the parent who was previously the central figure in the child's life; yet, it is necessary to recognize the changing developmental needs of the teen who must establish his or her own identity and begin to take charge of the world in which he or she lives.

It is important to value the "supporting role." Teens may insist on limiting parent involvement to being a non-intrusive presence during an event. That's OK. Just "being there" allows the parent to unobtrusively observe and to be available if needed. For instance, as the chauffeur you'll have an opportunity to get to know your teenager's friends and to learn of their interests and activities.

Become active in parent organizations and volunteer at your child's school.
While it may have been easy and acceptable to go through your child's backpack for grades, teacher comments, and times and dates of school functions, don't try the same routine when your child becomes a teenager. Parents must respect the teen's need for privacy. This is why sharing information with other parents becomes necessary.

Volunteering at school and attending PTA meetings are also means to acquire necessary information. Attendance at PTA meetings is greatest in elementary school and tends to taper off as the child moves to middle and high school. It is often at the middle and high school junctures that directly communicating with other parents and teachers is one of the best, if not the only, way to remain informed about the daily activities of the school.

Make yourself available
You do not always have to "do something" with your teen or plan an activity. Being available when the teen is likely to be around and inclined to talk is valuable. This will be perceived by the teen as less threatening, less intrusive, and less controlling. Availability in and of itself will provide a nonthreatening opportunity for parents to stay connected.

While parents could look forward to at least an hour of "quiet time" after young children were in bed, teens tend to be on a completely different schedule. Allowing yourself to be around late in the evening may afford many opportunities to listen to your teenager.

Emphasis is frequently placed on talking with or even worse "to" your teen. To stay involved, concentrate on what they are saying to you, to siblings, and to friends. Listening must be nonjudgmental. Do not feel the need to instruct, pointout, or clarify. Teens must figure things out for themselves, question assumptions, try different approaches; they are on their way to becoming independent adults. Talking too much may cause your teen to shut down; "just listening" encourages even more talking. An open and receptive approach will provide a better fit for the needs and developmental demands of teens.
Reprinted from Our Children